From The Very Beginning (Part 7)

Baby let Mommy tell you again that she is not writing the tough stuff to upset you, but because some of this is important for you to know. Mommy does try to leave out the really difficult stuff or down play it as much as possible. As you get older, Mommy will share more details with you, but for now, this is what you get. (written may 23, 2007)

Slowly Daddy withdrew into himself more and more. Mommy really thought Daddy was mad at her. Not just a little mad, but huge mad. He would not answer her when she talked to him. When he did answer her, he was very short with her. This made Mommy very sad. It got harder and harder to get Daddy's attention and also keeping it once she did get it. When he wasn't drinking, he was very angry. This part of the reason Mommy thought he was mad at her.

One day Daddy said something about hearing dark voices at work. This really scared Mommy, but she didn't know what to do. He said the voice sounded like the voice of an evil bunny character from a horrible movie they had watched. This went on for a little while, then Daddy said that there were lots of people with black eyes. Not just dark eyes, some people do have a very dark brown color to their eyes, but this was not what he was talking about. He really ment that the people's eyes were all dark (black) no white at all. Daddy finally admitted that he had been hearing voices talking to him even when no one was around. So not only was he seeing strange things, he was hearing them too. Talk about very scary stuff. Again Mommy is so glad that you were so very little and will never truely remember what was happening at the time. Sure you will have this to read, and you will have the information the family tells you as you get older, but no real memories or experiences.

Thank goodness at the time Mommy was working for a pretty good company and had medical insurance. Daddy finally realized that there was a real issue going on, and wanted to get. He didn't want Mommy to do it, he wanted to do it himself. Mommy gave him the phone number and he said he would call while she was at work. While he was on the phone with the guy from the insurance, another person called Mommy at work. It was sooo scary. The man said Mommy needed to go home and get Daddy to go to the hospital right away, that the closest one covered by the insurance was over an hour away, but that if she took him to the emergency room they would send him to someplace local and would be covered. By the time Mommy drove home from work, Daddy was out riding his bike. Mommy called Grandma and Grandpa C to watch you while Mommy took Daddy to the hospital.

You and Mommy stayed with Grandma and Grandpa C while Daddy was in the hospital. We went down every otherday to visit. He was there for 2 wks, from July 8 - 22. Because of Privacy issues, the people in the hospital were not telling Mommy anything. She asked for a special form and had Daddy fill it out. This allowed the hospital staff to talk freely with Mommy. Daddy finally came home, but things were just not the same. There were lots of things he was supposed to be doing, but he refused to do them. The dr wanted Daddy to go to anger management, AA, marriage counciling, medication management, and individual counciling. Dr also had given him medicine he was supposed to take and he was not taking it the way the Dr wanted him to.

While Daddy was in the hospital, her work gave her some personal time even though there really wasn't any left because of all the time off she had taken after you were born to spend all the time with you she could. Once Daddy was home Mommy had to go back to work. After 10 days,now into early August, Mommy received a huge package of papers from the hospital. This was full of papers telling about a lot of the things that happened while he was in the hospital. All the things Daddy had told her did not compare to how scary the stuff that was talked about in those papers. Mommy did n't feel safe anymore, especially because Daddy was not doing the things the Dr wanted him to, the way the Dr wanted him to. She went to work and talked to her boss. Let her know what was going on that Mommy had not slept well for over 3 days and had barely eaten anything. Mommy agreed to go to the Dr to get some medicine and stay somewhere other than at home with Daddy.

Mommy did go to the Dr. He gave her some medicine for depression and anxiety. You and Mommy stayed with Grandma and Grandpa C. Daddy was very sad. He wanted You and Mommy at home but that was not going to happen until he did the things the Dr wanted him to do. Mommy gave Daddy lots of chances. To start off with he did not come over to visit you and mommy for over a month. That hurt Mommy very much, but during this time, you and mommy went to visit Auntie AL and her family in Crescent City. That is a beautiful little town in Northern California, on the Pacific Coast right on the ocean. Though it was for a very sad reason, it was a wonderful trip.

Finally Daddy started coming to visit 2-3 days a week in September. Mommy was back off work again. She was going to counciling to help her work through the issues that were going on. Daddy kept thinking you and mommy were just going to go home, that he was not going to have to do the things the Dr wanted him to do. In October Daddy still was not getting that he needed to do the right thing, and that until he did you and mommy were not coming home. This made Daddy very angry. He would still come over to visit with you a couple times a week, but he would not talk to mommy at all. In November, Daddy decided to move in with Grandma S, so now the rest of your stuff had to be moved. Auntie S and Uncle S helped Mommy, Grandma C, and Grandpa C move stuff to the house and to a storage unit. Things continued to go bad. Finally Mommy went to the courthouse and picked up papers because she was going to file for a divorce from Daddy. She did not want to do it, but it seemed that this was the only option of what to do. This happened in January. Mommy went to a special place in Chico to have thme help her fill out the forms because they were confusing. The only thing left to do was to take them back to the courthouse to file them. This made Mommy soooo very, very sad. She never did turn them in. To this day she still has the packet of papers, but could never bring herself to turn them in. It just hurt too much. It really is a good thing that Mommy didn't do that. Then Mommy planned your first birthday and.......