Pity Party

Okay son, you know I love you with all my heart, but why, oh why do you continue to fight me on everything. You are probably feeling the same way. there are so many things that I wish were different, and then of course I feel guilty for wanting them different. What the heck am i supposed to do. I am at a loss. Crying doesn't help, being angry doesn't help, trying to be happy when I'm not doesn't help. Right now i truely mean nothing helps. Why didn't I listen to grandma and grandpa from the very beginning and stay far away from that man. Why didn't I listen to my gut and get out sooner. Why did I have to have a marriage that was doomed to fail before it even started. why did I have to have a husband who didn't really want his family. Why did I end up with the child with problems. Why do others not. Why do others get the things I want and just can't quite reach. Why, why, why, WHY!!!!!! Hopefully you will never see this and if you do, i pray that you understand that I was just having a down day and needed to get it all out so that it didn't consume me anymore that it already does. Believe me I feel guilty for all the whys and ultimately wouldn't changes things for the world, but sometimes, well just sometimes. Sigh.


I know that God has a plan. I am still not quite sure what it is. I am sure if I could ever slow down for just a second I might be able to hear what He is telling me. You my precious son are beautifully and wonderfully made by our Father in heaven. He has a plan for you too. Someday we might be able to figure it. For now, Just know that no matter what the ups and downs are, no matter how frustrated i get, underneath it all I love you more than words can say and that you are the most important person in the world to me.

Still MIA

Well my sweet man. I am still having a difficult time getting myself to this place. Look it has now been more than a year since my last post. What in the world are we going to do. Between just dealing with day-to-day life with you and keeping up with school/work, it is absolutely hectic at all times. Sometimes I am not sure if I am coming or going.

If you can believe it, I know I have a hard time with it, you are already 5 years old and growing like a weed. You are advancing in so many ways, but still remain behind in so many others. It is frustrating. I want the best for you, and it just doesn't seem like I can find that happy middle ground. Maybe someday. Obviously not today, but someday.

Keeping this short. I will definately try to make it back here again very soon.